I think one of the most important skills one can develop is critical thinking and truth-seeking. We are often bombarded with thousands of messages about what is and is not normal, what is and is not healthy, how women are, how men are, and what to expect from others.
And most importantly, the one thing one should compromise on—or else they would end up alone.
So we compromise. On big and small things. On things we aren’t quite sure we should be compromising on, but sometimes we hear from others that we are just uptight, conservative, prudish, or worse, insecure.
A recent Reddit post caught my attention:
https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1huci3a/guy_i_went_out_with_said_show_me_a_guy_who_doesnt/
A woman went on a date and was told by the man she was dating that he regularly consumes porn—every other day. She replied by saying she was not comfortable with it, to which he responded that most men consume pornography and that if that’s her standard, she will likely not find anyone.
Now let’s unwrap this. Let’s say the woman does make the compromise, and the man continues watching porn every other day. What does this mean?
So why would anyone, man or woman, not want the person they are in a relationship with to watch porn?
- Possibly feeling cheated on the promise of sexual exclusivity (the other person seeks arousal by looking at others).
- Fear that the need for porn may mean they aren’t getting all their needs met in the relationship.
- Fear that the other person is never fully committed to the relationship if they need even a fantasy version of other people to get aroused.
- Fear the actual partner may be compared to images of people who are edited or videos of people who are performing above anything realistic.
- Fear that they are not enough for the other person.
Now, these are big fears, and they carry a lot of weight. They could be true, or they could be false. But here’s what happens when someone makes a compromise like this and dates someone who watches porn while they don’t:
- The partnership feels unequal. One person needs arousal from external sources, the other doesn’t.
- The partnership makes one person feel insecure, while the other doesn’t fear being compared to a fantasy.
- There is an underlying sense that one person is more connected, while the other is more disconnected.
Now, if two people watch pornography and are entering a relationship, the dynamic is more equal because both people have roughly the same views and expectations from their partners. There isn’t an underlying conflict at all times.
Why mention the underlying conflict? Because it won’t change with time, and the conflicts we don’t resolve are the ones that ultimately corrode the relationship.
Conflicts that are successfully resolved lead to an organic increase in trust. People grow in intimacy and love when they overcome challenges together, with no lingering resentment after a conflict. But when resentment lingers, the relationship only gets worse.
The truth is, some people are simply not compatible with each other. The attempt to demean the other person by telling them they will end up alone if they don’t accept the compromise is a classic manipulation tactic. It plays into their fears of abandonment. A person with good intentions would simply disagree and walk away.
In this case, I think OP protected her own interests very well.
Leave a Reply