I often get asked, “But Miriam, what actually happens during the sessions? What tools and techniques do you use? What results can I expect to see?”
The answer is complex because, in a therapeutic context, new challenges always arise, and as the coach, I must respond according to the context my client is in.
Sometimes I face a client with an abandonment wound raging within them, spiraling with all the symptoms of neurological dysregulation. In those moments, it’s not so much about what I do but about the type of support I provide to someone who’s been severely neglected—at the very least emotionally. It’s about how I make my client feel valued, appreciated, and most importantly, seen and validated.
A significant part of healing complex trauma, which often chips away at the very core of my client’s identity (e.g., “I am flawed,” “I am unworthy,” “I am ugly”), is offering the support and emotional regulation they didn’t receive as children, teenagers, or adults.
What’s truly heartbreaking is that the victims of childhood trauma are so good at adapting to unhealthy situations and toxic people that they often become victims again in friendships and romantic relationships later in life. Their low self-esteem and tendency to flee or fawn in the face of conflict make them easy targets for people with antisocial personality disorders.
One client, who was the emotional support for her abused grandmother, watching her grandmother cry and receiving love based on her support of her grandmother, somehow associated support of those in need, and victimhood, with love.
Her grandmother, an adult, chose to stay in a relationship with an emotionally abusive and physically abusive alcoholic. The abuse and resentment continued until her husband died, however, her grandmother, while she was a victim of abuse, was also placing herself in a helpless spot. As an adult, she could have left and protected her own children against the abuse, but she did not. Instead, she chose to cry for a help that she would have never even received, for as long as she lived. Her own children encouraged a separation, but she refused.
As a result, my client, who was imprinted with this sort of connection at an early age, developed an almost irresistible pull towards people who presented themselves as helpless victims, both in platonic and romantic relationships. People who would use her empathy to get emotional support, and sometimes even financial resources, as she felt obligated, to help those in need.
This made her the perfect victim for vulnerable narcissists, who use their sob stories to draw in people who put other needs in front of their own and exploit them. She ended up supporting her boyfriend, financially for years, as he would constantly mention he can’t possibly find a better job yet each time she would suggest he would seek one, he would break down into tears, saying he hates his career, and he already looked, and the industry is dead.
These sorts of distortions can significantly alter our life-path. Fortunately, today, my client is free of her boyfriend, who used every manipulation in the book trying to hook her in, including faking a sickness. But as her self-esteem got higher, she didn’t feel the need to completely dedicate herself to taking care of someone, as a mother would take care of her helpless baby – in this case, a 33-year old adult.
In this context, the good treatment, support, respect, and encouragement I give to my clients raise the bar and boost their self-esteem. It challenges their low self-worth in ways no “workbook exercise” can. Why? Because deep down, some of my clients believe they are unworthy and alone. By having someone show them otherwise, their psyche is truly challenged and able to gather new information about their environment—this new, affirming environment where they are seen for the beautiful beings they are. Over time, this alone helps regulate the nervous system.
Unconditional support, as it happens in a therapeutic relationship, typically occurs organically in interpersonal relationships only between caregivers and their babies under the age of 2. Offering that sort of environment later in life can help people get unstuck.
The second element of my coaching is untangling the story. We tend to believe the narrative we’ve internalized, and it’s my job as a coach to shed light on the conditioning that occurred in the past and how it continues to impact my client’s life today.
The story could be about finding oneself in love with people who are perpetual victims or have troubled existences (codependence).
The story could be about abandonment—why do I always choose partners who don’t love me? (anxious and disorganized attachment).
Or the story could be about a lack of connection—why do I always lose interest in people as soon as they want to be with me? (avoidant attachment).
You would be amazed at how defense mechanisms and unmet needs shape the way we see ourselves, others, and even how we love and express ourselves sexually—or whether there is a lot of shyness around the topic.
My job is to remind my client of what they already know. They already have the knowledge, as they are the ones who lived life. I merely ask questions about the meaning of it and its impact on who they are today. Of course, I sometimes point out alternative interpretations. Based on their experiences, they may see the world as a cold, loveless place because they were exposed to an unloving environment, which was only perpetuated by an affinity for people resembling their caregivers.
The third element of my coaching is recognizing the attacks of the inner critic, the effects of emotional dysregulation, and sometimes the unrecognized attacks from people close to my clients.
When self-esteem is low, people can become cluelessly stuck in relationships that drain them, believing they deserve it or that “love is supposed to be hard.” These distortions, even if not severe enough to divorce people from reality, can slowly but surely wreck lives.
Those prone to the fawn response are more likely to become victims of this, as they often lack empathy for themselves while having plenty for others.
Finally, the last element of my coaching approach is honesty.
To develop trust-based relationships—with others and with oneself—you must reflect on your behaviors as objectively as possible. Within this reflection lies both your weaknesses and your innate power. Without the ability to examine our motivations, which may sometimes be less than noble, we cannot grow.
We are neither demons nor saints. We are flawed humans, and being able to tolerate both the flaws and the beauty within us is the key to healing and living a beautiful, happy life.
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