There’s a lot of talk about childhood trauma and how your relationship with your parents impacts how you approach relationships as an adult. But what does that really mean? For many, this idea feels vague. At first glance, you might think, “My relationships now look nothing like the ones I had with my parents,” or “I’ve worked hard to avoid acting like my parents in relationships.”
So, what does it actually mean when people say the way you do relationships today is influenced—even predetermined—by how your parents raised you? Let’s break it down.
Attachment Styles: The Blueprint for Relationships
One theory that sheds light on this topic is attachment theory, supported by research and scientific methods. It’s not just an abstract idea; it’s a theory that helps us predict behaviors based on past experiences.
At its core, attachment styles describe how your brain was wired to approach relationships. Think about the power of habit and repetition: the more we use a part of our brain, the stronger it becomes. Emotional experiences—especially in childhood—shape not just our behaviors but also the way our brains are structured. This is especially true for attachment styles, which are formed during the years when we’re most impressionable.
An attachment style isn’t just about behavior. It influences:
- Who you’re attracted to
- When and how you feel safe to commit
- How you view yourself and others
- Your patterns of attraction and connection
How Do Attachment Styles Form?
Attachment styles develop through repeated patterns of interaction with your caregivers. These early relationships shape how you view yourself and the world. Here’s how it works:
- Consistent Care: If your caregivers were reliable—meeting both your physical and emotional needs consistently—you likely developed a secure attachment. You learned that the world is safe, your needs will be met, and you are worthy of love.
- Inconsistent Care: If your needs were met sporadically, and you often had to “fight” for attention, you might have developed an anxious attachment. This teaches a child to believe, “I have to work hard for love,” and as an adult, this can lead to feeling needy in relationships and being drawn to people who keep you at arm’s length.
- Emotionally Unavailable Care: If your caregivers met your physical needs but were emotionally distant, you might have developed an avoidant attachment. Over time, you learned to rely on yourself for safety and emotional regulation. As an adult, you may struggle with intimacy and prefer independence over connection.
- Dangerous or Unpredictable Care: If your caregivers were not only inconsistent but also a source of fear or danger (e.g., due to addiction, mental illness, or abuse), you may have developed a disorganized attachment. This style is marked by a conflict: craving closeness but also fearing it. Disorganized attachment often creates a push-pull dynamic in relationships.
How Attachment Styles Affect Adult Relationships
Your attachment style influences not just how you act but also who you’re drawn to. Here’s how it often plays out:
- Anxious Attachment: You’re attracted to emotionally unavailable people. You may find yourself working hard to “earn” love, mirroring the dynamics you experienced as a child.
- Avoidant Attachment: You might value independence so much that closeness feels threatening. Intimacy can trigger a defense mechanism that causes you to pull away or lose attraction.
- Disorganized Attachment: Relationships feel chaotic. You’re drawn to connection but also terrified of it, creating cycles of intense closeness followed by withdrawal.
- Secure Attachment: You feel safe with intimacy and independence. You seek balanced, healthy relationships built on trust and emotional availability.
Healing Attachment Styles
The good news? Awareness is the first step. While your attachment style might feel deeply ingrained, it’s not set in stone. Healing often involves:
- Knowledge: Understanding your attachment style and patterns.
- Relational Work: Building safe, supportive relationships—whether with a therapist, coach, or trusted loved ones.
- Practice: Learning to identify triggers (e.g., “I’m deactivating” or “I’m becoming too needy”) and responding in healthier ways.
Attachment wounds are often healed in relationships. By learning to trust and be vulnerable with safe people, you can begin to retrain your nervous system and develop healthier patterns.
Why Does This Matter?
Relationships are one of the biggest factors in our overall happiness. Healing your attachment style can transform your love life and, by extension, your overall well-being. Imagine being able to give and receive love freely, to choose partners who respect and cherish you, and to build a relationship based on trust rather than fear or insecurity.
You deserve relationships that make you feel safe, seen, and valued. And the journey to secure attachment is one worth taking.
Are you curious about your attachment style or ready to start your healing journey? Let’s work together. My 5-month coaching program combines individual and group coaching to give you the tools and support you need to rewrite your relationship patterns. Email me at miriamtraumainformedcoach@pasthepast.com to see if we’re a good fit! The first session is free!
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