Anger is not aggression.
Anger is not abuse. Sometimes it can lead to abusive behaviors, but more often than not, anger is an emotion. You just feel it and ask a question: Why am I feeling this way?
Am I being disrespected at the moment?
Do I feel in danger?
Is someone crossing my boundary?
Is what’s happening in the moment warranted to make me feel angry, or is it a trigger that brought up something from the past that I can’t remember, but I can remember the anger?
Anger is a signal. Is your nervous system saying, Look here! PLEASE, look here! I need you to look here, it’s very urgent. And some ignore that signal, but the emotion doesn’t go away. Instead, it gets bigger and bigger precisely because you don’t pay attention and you aren’t “fixing” the root problem of the issue. You aren’t allowing anger to help you uncover what’s really bothering you.
As a consequence, you may end up suppressing anger and exploding in moments when your anger makes no sense, or suppressing the anger with food or substances.
Or you may turn anger inward, towards yourself, becoming your own tyrannical voice. An abuser that is always there and never shuts up.
Another way unprocessed anger can show up is by giving you physical symptoms. Being constantly in fight or flight is a big stressor on your body.
Nothing good ever comes from anger, but how do we feel and process anger in a healthy way?
Well, I’m glad you asked.
How to Express Anger in a Healthy Way
No, breaking plates is not on the list, but it could be!
Write Your Fears and Resentments
This is a technique created by Anna Runkle, from the Crappy Childhood Fairy, in which she teaches people to self-regulate emotionally by writing down all of their fears and resentments, followed by a ritual of letting go and a moment of meditation.
The exercise starts by you writing down, on paper, why a certain thing makes you feel the way you feel.
For example, “I fear that my mother-in-law will make me feel small and insignificant again. I fear I resent my husband for allowing that to happen.”
And you go on and on. Some people, on particularly “busy” days, end up writing pages upon pages. This doesn’t just improve your emotional literacy, meaning you finally give some meaning to your anger that you can later meditate on, it also functions as catharsis. The letting out of anger in itself can blow off some of the steam.
At the end of the exercise, you are asked to burn or shred the piece of paper (very important to be an actual piece of paper), all while ending the exercise with a few sentences where you express your desire to let it go. You write your name, the date, and get rid of the paper.
Some choose to meditate following the exercise as well.
But perhaps the most important function of the exercise is to allow yourself to put some meaning to your anger and not run like a headless chicken. Why do I feel this way? Can I fix it?
If the mother-in-law annoys me, what can I do to prevent her from annoying me again?
And suddenly, you can now move from eating your feelings, distracting yourself away from your feelings, or downright avoiding them, into problem-solving mode, which will eventually allow you to relax.
Mimic What Anger Feels Like
Somatic exercises are great for allowing you to feel in a non-destructive manner.
Find yourself a quiet place, take a piece of cloth or a towel, and squeeze it hard, all while allowing yourself to make all the faces you would make when you feel really angry. Really focus your anger on that towel, and give it a good squeeze. A good example of this you can find here.
Other ways to express anger, in the body, in a safe way, are to stomp your feet or simply mimic the movements and facial gestures a child, or perhaps you as a child, would make if you were allowed to be angry. Stomp those feet and get it out. Allow yourself to feel it.
Long-Term Management of Anger Includes Self-Expression
Do you know what prevents anger from piling up and making you explode?
Yes, the long-term solution to suppressed anger is learning how to communicate with others and place boundaries with consequences. Anger lingers when the issue is not resolved. When you don’t know how to communicate or perhaps don’t know when it’s time to stop communicating with someone altogether.
You can’t walk through life achieving a state of complete safety. Sometimes there will be people who will disrespect you, annoy you, and trigger you—the trick is to not always be at war and choose to surround yourself with people that make it safe for you to relax. And that’s probably the most important skill one can develop.
I help my clients understand their needs, set boundaries, and increase collaboration both in individual coaching sessions and in group sessions.
Anger is Not the Compulsion to Act – Angry People Still Have a Choice
Anger is not a trigger towards action, although many people think they should act on their emotions right away.
Sometimes, due to past experiences, we think people disrespect us and walk all over our boundaries, even when they don’t.
Other times, because we sometimes falsely accuse others of trying to harm us and we are in the wrong, we then swing to the other side of the spectrum—we never see anyone as harmful and we continue to rationalize and minimize what is done to us.
Anger and its cues are really something that needs to be explored in a safe therapeutic setting and, why not, in your journal, where you can start investigating when you were right and when you were wrong about other people’s intentions.
Anger is Not About Aggressivity – It Is About Discernment
What do I mean by that?
Anger should be the signal that, in time, becomes more and more accurate at discerning who is safe and who isn’t and when people are stepping over your toes. But by no means is it a channel towards aggression. Anger is just an emotion, not a command to go and break a window.
Leave a Reply