Allowing your avoidant partner to come and go on a whim only fulfills their needs and completely neglects yours.
Key takeaways:
- Many dating gurus recommend giving avoidants and fearful-avoidants space when they deactivate in the hopes of winning them back over, but this only accommodates maladaptive behaviors.
- People who lean towards avoidant deactivate when sensing closeness, yet come running back when you ignore them. However, the return is not their attempt at building intimacy. They come back because it is safe for them as you give off the signal that you don’t want closeness.
- Space can sometimes be discussed and is not always a bad idea. When the avoidant is willing to acknowledge their need to retreat for a while, however, healing has to go both ways. Continuously asking for space alone does not enable healing or safety.
If you suspect your partner is dismissive-avoidant or fearful-avoidant, giving them the space necessary almost feels like a life hack. They always bounce back with enthusiasm.
However, is it worth holding out for your love?
Will giving space create safety and increase intimacy in a relationship?
It may surprise you, but it does quite the opposite. The person leaning avoidant deactivates due to fears of vulnerability and only comes back to a now inaccessible partner when one senses they no longer need to be vulnerable. They come back when the “threat” of intimacy is no longer there because now the other person signals they are not emotionally available.
Janice, 34, shares her story of dating an avoidant and allowing him to have the space he needs.
“I’m anxious, so naturally, I am clingy. After reading a lot of articles and books on the subject matter, I basically got the idea that it was all my fault and I should learn how to self-regulate. So I focused more on myself, even on the days when he was acting cold or when he was acting apathetic. However, one need stayed with me, regardless of how self-reliant I am now. I want to get married. He says marriage is just a piece of paper, and it doesn’t matter as long as we love each other. However, I feel unsafe in our relationship. He is happy, and I don’t bother him much on the days when he is feeling low, but I’m waiting for the last 4 years to make up his mind about us.”
Although giving space can make the relationship feel safer for the avoidant, it bypasses healing as they will never have to challenge their fears around intimacy. The relationship can sometimes be built only to accommodate their needs.
The illusion of intimacy
Both avoidants and anxiously-attached individuals fear intimacy. In avoidants, the fear of intimacy is more outward. They find it hard to commit, they pick the other person apart, and they are quick to leave and move on. With anxiously-attached individuals, their behaviors would indicate that all they want is closeness.
However, they are attracted by distance and the emotional unavailability of the avoidant. In that interval— during which they chase, yet never grasp the other person’s heart—is where they feel at home. Their fear of intimacy is covert.
Daniel, 29, describes this cat-and-mouse game played with his partner.
“It almost feels like I’ve found a hack, a kink in her armor. The moment I start ignoring her myself, she comes after me. I used to be the clingy one; now all I have to do is act aloof for a few days, reply later to texts, and simply act that I am mildly disinterested. She’s all over me. What I wish is she would be all over me when I show her love back.”
In two people with insecure attachments, one moves towards intimacy only when the other is not able to give it. In a way, insecure attachments are a game of non-attaching as a way to satisfy needs, yet to feel secure that they won’t get hurt. The only aspect that differs is the various strategies one uses, depending on their attachment style.
When does giving space work?
Giving space alone is not the solution, but when the partner does need space to self-regulate emotionally, it’s probably best to give it to them and have a discussion about boundaries.
Meaning, that for the emotional safety of both partners, the one suffering from an avoidant attachment style may need to communicate their need for space instead of disappearing and making the other person feel abandoned.
In addition, if both partners have an insecure attachment style, both need to work on their core wounds. Otherwise, both partners will continue activating their need for closeness triggered by feelings of abandonment or deactivating by running away from closeness out of fear of being suffocated.
Finally, both partners need to work on their healing journeys, because as one becomes more available for intimacy and the other is stuck in their old coping mechanisms, the relationship may end.