Emotional abusers often have responses that seem divorced from reality, and their words twist the truth so intensely that it suggests they can’t perceive reality like the rest of us.
If you find yourself torn between thinking that an emotionally abusive person in your life knows what they’re doing and continues because they benefit from it, or that they’re too traumatized to realize their actions, read on.
In this mini-guide, I’ll cover:
- Signs that someone is emotionally abusive and aware
- What creates the emotional abuser mindset
- Why they emotionally abuse others, including the (unexpected) benefits and heartbreaking downsides
- What’s does the abuser gain when abuses others
- How to find support and healing after emotional abuse
Signs someone is emotionally abusive and knows it
Perhaps the question should be asked differently: it’s not just whether they are aware, but whether they care. Most people want to know if their parents, partners, or friends know they’re emotionally abusive, so we’ll start there.
Signs someone is aware of the harm they’re causing:
- Behavior changes in front of others. For example, they may treat you poorly at home but never in front of people whose judgment they fear. Research has shown that individuals with narcissistic tendencies are often acutely aware of their public image and adjust their behavior accordingly to maintain it (Miller et al., 2017).
- Behavior shifts when they want something from you or others. You may notice times when they know what makes you feel good, and they use that as a bargaining chip later. Studies on manipulation tactics in abusive relationships highlight that abusers often employ kindness strategically to gain control over their victims (Dutton & Painter, 1993).
- Behavior changes when you leave or threaten to leave, but once convinced to stay, they return to their abusive baseline. The cycle of abuse, particularly in emotionally abusive relationships, includes moments of reconciliation designed to prevent the victim from leaving, followed by a return to abusive behaviors (Walker, 1979)
Emotional abuse is a subtle form of violence, but make no mistake—it is violence, often with no immediate consequences. This abuse slowly corrodes the victim’s self-esteem with small, insensitive remarks until the victim is left drained, defenseless, and begging for validation and kindness from the emotional abuser.
The gain of emotional abuse: why abusers abuse
Emotional abusive individuals despite not using violence, perhaps because they don’t need to use it, share many of the characteristics of Machiavellianism, narcissism, or psychopathy, which are associated with the deliberate exploitation of others for personal gain (Paulhus & Williams, 2002).
In a cat-and-mouse game of validation and support, the emotional abuser avoids vulnerability. True love means the other person could hurt you, too. Abusers, however, flee from vulnerability, choosing instead to exploit others.
Instead of love, emotional abusers seek admiration and validation from someone who isn’t able to be truly loved in adult relationships. In these relationships, admiration and validation become “base needs” to regulate a flimsy sense of self. The relationship is psychological exploitation, not connection.
Letting go of the fantasy that trauma causes the abusive mindset
We don’t know what causes an abusive mindset. Abuse is a risk factor, but not a cause. The mindset develops as people conclude what works best for managing their lives. Some choose to solve their problems by dominating others.
Research indicates that while childhood trauma is a significant risk factor, it does not inevitably lead to abusive behaviors in adulthood. Instead, personal choice and cognitive patterns play a critical role (Felitti et al., 1998
Emotionally abusive people don’t have hearts of gold, nor can they be healed if you just love them enough. They hope for all the unconditional love you can give, because they’ll take it—and weaponize it. The more you give, the more powerful they become, and the more you shrink to maintain the relationship.
Abusers, even when confronted with proof, according to studies, show no remorse and often put the blame on the victim through a number of manipulation tactics. They employ the same manipulation tactics when working with trauma-informed mental health professionals, justifying their own actions.
The price we pay for unconditional forgiveness
Unconditional forgiveness, based in fantasy, corrodes the self. The weaker the victim, the more likely they are to allow further emotional abuse.
Even by leaving, yet taking responsibility away from the emotional abuser, the victim blames themselves. Emotional abusers hope to shame their victims into silence, never speaking out.
Recovering from emotional abuse
Recovery from emotional abuse is tricky. There are no visible bruises, but there are bruises on the heart.
Abuse can lead to PTSD,(Herman, 1992),a diagnosable condition that can make life a living hell. Childhood emotional abuse can cause complex PTSD, which impacts self-perception and can lead to self-harm, addiction, eating disorders, and dissociation.
Shame and isolation often follow abuse, preventing the victim from showing up as themselves in relationships. This creates a cycle of hidden pain.
For those ready to break free, I created a trauma recovery group for people seeking support and tools to rebuild their lives. Our group coaching fosters connection, guidance, and real support in a safe, understanding environment. Learn more about our emotional abuse recovery group at https://pasthepast.com/trauma-informed-coaching/.
If you recognize these patterns in your own experiences, know that recovery is possible. Join our supportive group coaching program designed to help you heal and build fulfilling relationships.
References
- Miller, J. D., et al. (2017). Narcissistic tendencies and awareness of public image adjustments. Journal of Research in Personality. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2016.10.006
- Dutton, D. G., & Painter, S. L. (1993). Manipulation tactics in abusive relationships. Violence and Victims. https://doi.org/10.1177/1077801293008001003
- Walker, L. E. (1979). The cycle of abuse: Patterns in abusive relationships. The Battered Woman. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1980-20808-001
- Paulhus, D. L., & Williams, K. M. (2002). The “Dark Triad”: Machiavellianism, narcissism, and psychopathy and their link to exploitation. Personality and Individual Differences. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0191-8869(01)00096-6
- Felitti, V. J., et al. (1998). The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) study: Linking childhood trauma to long-term health and behavioral outcomes. American Journal of Preventive Medicine. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0749-3797(98)00017-8
- Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: Complex PTSD and the impact of childhood emotional abuse. https://doi.org/10.1093/oxfordjournals.schbul.a037804