One of the ways growing up in an unsupportive or invalidating environment affects us is that we can become very sensitive to criticism. We get so accustomed to people having a poor impression of us that we almost always predict others will have a negative opinion of us too.
When this happens, even feedback can feel like an attack on your competence. It can be quite hard to discern whether the other person is simply trying to communicate constructively, is someone who is poor at giving feedback, or is bordering on being emotionally abusive.
So how can you tell the difference?
1. What’s the Intent of the Person Giving the Feedback?
Ask yourself: Does this person seem genuinely invested in my growth? Do they have a history of being supportive, or do they often put me down?
Occasional poorly worded feedback isn’t the same as a pattern of invalidation. Take a step back and reflect on your interactions with the person. Do they regularly point out what you’re doing right, or is their feedback always negative? A history of consistent negativity or fault-finding could indicate that the issue lies with them, not you.
2. Is the Feedback Specific to the Task or an Attack on Your Character?
- Constructive feedback: “I think this section of your report could be clearer if you explained X in more detail.”
- Criticism or emotional abuse: “This is yet another mistake you’ve made. Are you sure you really want this job?”
In the first case, the feedback focuses on something specific that can be improved upon and provides instructions on how to improve it.
In the second case, the feedback isn’t grounded in reality. Instead, it makes a sweeping judgment about the person’s entire character. There’s no room for improvement, as the feedback doesn’t even mention it or seem to want it. Instead, it uses the opportunity to exert pressure and cause distress, such as inducing fear of job loss.
3. Pay Attention to Your Emotional Response
Your nervous system is quite good at detecting threats. So, how do you feel after receiving the feedback?
Constructive feedback, even when it’s tough to hear, often leaves you with clarity or a sense of direction. On the other hand, emotionally abusive criticism tends to leave you feeling confused, small, or incapable.
While it’s normal to feel a sting from feedback, it shouldn’t leave you questioning your worth.
4. Look for a Two-Way Conversation
Constructive feedback invites dialogue.
You receive clear instructions on what to improve and can ask follow-up questions, such as, “What else can I do to address this?” Emotional abuse is quite the opposite—it shuts down communication. It’s one-sided and doesn’t even address the “mistake” but rather attacks the character of the person receiving the feedback.
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